I am

I am. What am I that makes me what I am? Is it what I am? Or is it what I am not?

I am a swordsman. Knighted copiously, I have slayed two hundred dragons. I have conversed with Sun Tzu before he proposed his "Art of War". The icy hand of sickness and death has never touched me. Always alert, I never cease to combat the enemy.

I am not a tyrant ruler who dictates to his loyal subjects. I am not a descendant of Hitler or Genghis Khan and I am not a liar. Einstein said that "the most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible." I do not comprehend that. I do not take baths on Thursdays and I do not believe in death.

Paris has seen me. Seoul has seen me. Ouagadougou has seen me. Moscow could have but wasn't looking. I brought life to the Sphinx of Giza and I told the Mayans how to construct the Chitzen Itza. I don't enter my basement after 12:34am but I do ensconce myself in a light azure armchair in front of a fire. I am the eight-thousand and first terracotta warrior.

I like to blow bubbles into a glass of water and I have done this for 4 hours 32 minutes and 26 seconds. Teaching penguins how to fly is one of my favourite pastimes. It invigorates me. People might wonder how Santa delivers gifts to the populace of the world. He doesn't. I do.

I have earned the most prestigious prize ever. I grew the largest pumpkin in Western Ohio. I have won a Nobel Peace Prize. I performed the caesarean section that gave life to Julius Caesar and then killed him 55 years later with my compatriot, Brutus. "Et tu, Brute? et Erik?" was the last words I heard from him. I am the rays of sun that light up the day and the cold blanket that covers the night. I resurrected Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi just to talk. I am the sole reason for the Big Bang and I had breakfast this morning.

I am a king, I am a deity, I am a prophet, I am the messiah, I am King Kong, I am a tyrannosaurus but I am not a university graduate.